apology.

ill never apologize for the way i feel about you but i do apologize for telling you so.

the ifs and buts.

i have always wondered on the importance or the lack of it of my life. does it matter to anyone whether i live or die? will anybody notice if i drop dead tomorrow never to be seen again? all of these questions are not important because in the worst case scenario ill have my family who will shed a tear or two at my departure.

the more important question here is that what am i doing with my life. am i doing any justice to it? is it going on the way it should? if not, then what can i possibly do to change it? given a chance, will i change it?

to be honest, i am not sure whether i have the answers to these questions. there are days when i feel that my life is going on fine and that i am blessed to have found and known so many wonderful people, that i have dabbled a lot in life and i have experienced a lot of things in such a short span of time. and then there are days when i feel that my life is useless and i am a nobody and that my life has been a waste as i never cared enough or maybe wasn’t skilled enough or maybe wasn’t eager enough to do things which everyone else does.

sometimes i wonder what my life would have been if i had done all those things. would have i turned out to be the person i am now or would i have been better or worse? there is no end to this thought process. and the worst part about it is that its still a thought. Because even though i question all those things, i haven’t really done much to change that. maybe i do not want to or maybe i am too scared of the enormity of the task at hand. i do not know but hopefully someday i will.